2005-06-05 - 7:47 p.m.
I don't quite know where to begin... I'm lost, and confused, and very hurt. I thought I was dealing, I even made myself belief I was dealing well. I was wrong, so very wrong... the tears today... confirmed it.
Perhaps I should back up a moment, and tell you who I am, and how this all began, and heaven forbid what I was so very wrong about, and why it hurt so very much.
My name is Wolf, I'm most often known by a number of named online, but the predominating one is Symphony. I play Symphony in World of Warcraft, that's where this all began. Humorous isn't it? It doesn't exactly seem like the most likely of places, for something that could cause someone to be so upset.
Like most stories this one started with a boy. Not mine, though, and not one I had thought about like that. But a boy, none the less. I was sitting in the Inn in Thelsamar, when this little dwarf came up, and randomly invited me to a party. Not having anything else to do, I agree'd. His name was Kaisei, Kadin as I would later learn. He was cool, with the idea I was playing a female, as it would later turn out, he was one of the very few. But that's another story, and one I don't think about much anymore.
We spent, perhaps 5 or 6 hours that day partied together, and shortly thereafter I created a new character. Not to get away from him though you see, we were rapidly becoming good friends, and I made sure to keep talking to him as time went by.
It was a short time later, that I was introduced to a friend of his, Sassen. I wasn't quite sure what to think at first, she was bouncy, happy, a little kooky, but definately alot of fun. We spent, a good 45 minutes playing dress-up. Making me look like a pirate, her like a witch, and generally showing off the fun outfits we had collected.
A short time later, the new servers opened, and I wanted to get off the PVP servers, go to somewhere I could get a fresh start along with everyone else, but to be honest, I didn't want to go without Kaisei, so I talked with him, and Sassen. We decided to join an RP server, Scarlet Crusade.
Things went well, Kaisei began outlevelling us, no surprise, it's his track record. Sassen, or Catose as she was known at the beginning wasn't around much, and I spent the majority of my time with Ryoko.
One day, I was playing with Kaisei, and Chattelain, one of Catose' alt's. As we were leaving for the night, he said something, I remember it vividly to this day, "Nrefa 'O Selia Allarianna" Allarianna being an alt of mine I was playing at the time. Neither he nor Chattelain would comment on this phrase, other than to tell me what it meant.
We'll fast forward a few weeks, to a life changing decision, and a talk.. which would forever change things. It had been mentioned by Ryoko that I should come and visit, and I decided on the spur of the moment, to do it. So I purchased plane tickets that night. And... it was that night that I finally convinced Kaisei, and Nanashi ( another one of her alts ) to tell me about this language, Bato'Cirn.
*sighs* thus begins perhaps what has become one of the happiest things in my life, and also one of the most painful, as I will explain.
I learned about Bato'Cirn, I learned about Kadin, and I learned about her.. about the one who would change my life.
Bato'cirn, she learned it from her first master, how he made her learn it, and how she would be punished, if she did not use it. I learned how Kadin was hers, he was her pet, and slave. And...
I learned she wanted me to be as well...
So things began, I began learning, her teaching, me serving. It was eye opening, exciting, it was something that I had never seen, never known. It thrilled me to serve her, to see her happy, and to work to try and please her. We spent time, me as Tapestry, her as Colere. I was learning how to serve her, what made her happy, I was learning what to do, and how to act, and certainly what not to do.
It made me so happy, I wanted to come home from class everyday and see her, to keep learning. Then one day things changed...
Inari, announced he now had a pet of his own, someone who although they were far away, belonged completely to him! I was afraid.. it scared me.. I suspected... but I was afriad to ask.. I couldn't.. I didn't want it to be...
But it was... and I was heartbroken... I felt like falling, collapsing... I wanted to cry.. to run.. I wanted it to be a nightmare, that I would wake up from at any moment... but it wasn't.. Rahani, my mistress, had given herself to Inari...
I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know what to do... I cried.. I threw tantrums.. I got angry.. Jealous.. hurt... everything was shattering and crumbling around me...
Perhaps I should explain what she meant to me, and how I saw her. I wanted to give myself to her completely.. I trusted in her completely, to guide me, protect me, and care for me. I needed to know she could do that.. to know she was strong to not only take care of herself, but me as well. When she submitted, when she gave herself to another.. when she needed another to do the same for her... I was shattered. I was afraid. I needed her to be strong, to be in control, and to be dominant. But like that she wasn't. And if she was not those things, how could she look after me, and keep me safe?
I ended up having to take a week off, because I couldn't handle it. I was losing it, losing myself, and completely losing control. I was becoming an annoyance and a nuisance to those around me, and I couldn't handle that either. So I left for a week.
I returned, shortly before I would go to her, go and see her in person. I was scared.. afraid, and after disobeying her, and dissappointing her, just before my flight out, I was moreso upset and scared.
The weekend.. was more than I could have ever imagined. It has been scarcely a month I think, and yet the depth and intensity of emotions I feel for her are astonishing. I know I love her. Without doubt. I trust in her, and give myself to her completely.
I found and learned many things that weekend... I found what is known as subspace, for the first time. Never have I been so at peace, so contented. I understood truly the Buddhist ideal. Contentment, to want for nothing, and I didn't. I was happy.
But I have not seen her as much this week. Then today.. I stumbled upon something. A journal, her journal. her words... things that had happened... hurt, more than I ever could have imagined.
I have missed her so much this week. I don't know what happened, I read, that she had been sent to bed by Inari.
I also read about me... that she said she needed to spend more time with me. That she knew perhaps already what my name would be.
I was hit by such an odd flux of emotions, I didn't know how to handle it, I started crying, uncontrollably.
I had missed her so much.. we had only had, what seemed to be a few short conversation. And she seemed... upset, distracted... I never felt as though I was talking to her, to Rahani, to the one that owned me. I wanted.. I don't know, I wanted to serve her, to be hers. And I had not been, I felt.
Then I read, that she had been with Inari, that she had been sent to bed by him. And everything came rushing back. I think I realized, that I had never dealt with it before, that I had never come to terms with it. I had simply pushed it, out of sight, out of mind.
Now once again confronted with the reality, I broke down. I am scared now, I don't know how to deal with it. I need her to be strong. If.. she cannot be, I'm afraid I won't be able to give myself to her completely, I feel I will have to hold a small piece back, just in case.
Most importantly what frightens me more than anything else, is the fear I will never be able to deal with it.
So that's where I sit now, in front of my desk, brooding, contemplating, and quite often crying, searching for some answer. any answer.
My only comfort at all through this right now, is my collar.. without it, I think I would have totally lost it already.
This part may seem out of place.. but I realized I left alot out.
Firstly, her comments about me.. I was touched.. so much.. it made me so terribly happy to read that. I want to spend time with her. She has come to mean so very much to me, in such a very short time. I am happier than I have ever been belonging to her, and trusting in her.
I also realize there is much about the Inari thing that bothers me. Not only that she belongs to him. For that is a great part of it. But also he himself. Before this, before any of this began, Inari and I were lovers. Inari and Symphony. Now, and for the past couple weeks, since she submitted to him, I have spent less and less time with him, and spoken to him less and less. Now, he does not seem to want to speak to me at all. All of his attention is focused on her. It hurts, alot, that I am so casually discarded.
And finally, when I read her comments about him. How she wanted to give him more, I was hurt. Immesurably. I have missed her so much this week, and wanted to spend time with her so much. But her time has been spent with him, and she wants to give more. She means so much to me, and I want to spend time with her, and be with her. It hurt... more than words could ever say...
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