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2005-06-10 - 11:43 p.m.


"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel"

I'm sitting here amidst the mess in my room, and the piles of empty beer cans, reading through the past journal entries here this week, and those I've written in my mood journal the week before.

and that's all I have left to say... Fuck!

This isn't working... i know she's tired of hearing it... but honestly right now... I'm starting not to care...

I've reached a point of complete and utter depression. I have no temper left, I have no tolerance for anyone or anything. I've snapped at my classmates almost everyday this week. I haven't been able to sleep, I've had to drink myself into a stupor every night this week to be able to get any sleep at all. And quite frankly.. I don't give fuck anymore.

I bombed a quiz today in Garde Manger, my third and final quiz before the final exam. you know why? because I didn't care, I just wanted to leave.

I'm starting to reach that point with everything, I'm realizing I can't handle this... I can't handle the distance thing, and last night I fucked up, and am being punished now. I'm allowed to write this journal, but I'm not allowed to speak in any manner. The past two weeks have felt like a constant punishment, and this is the icing on the fucking cake.

I think I'm gonna bite the bullet now, and walk away, go through the pain and withdrawal now, before I get into it any more deeply.


I feel like hurting myself... not suicidal.. because that would be a fucking escape, and I hate myself too much right now to let myself try to escape. No... I fucking want myself to suffer!

"the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away, but I remember everything."

I wish sometimes, I could just step outside of things.. walk away from everything, go somewhere far fucking away, and just chill, just be alone, and when I came back, everything was just like I left it, just some time to recuperate... then step back in and deal with everything with a fresh face.

Distance is intolerable, I'm miserable.. depressed.. and now furious.

"What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end"

I want to break something.. anything... I need drugs...

lots of drugs.. I want to blow my mind right now.. stop thinking about it, stop dealing with it... I'm so furious at so many things, and so many people, myself most of all. I want drugs... if I had some, I know I would have done them by now.. all of them.. whatever I can get my hands on... I don't even have any alcohol anymore.. I spent all the money I have on beer, and I'm broke now!

You'll most likely read this Rahani, and I apologize now... I've been looking over those journals.. and realize just how royally fucked I am right now... I look at how I've been in class, and again.. realize how royally fucked I am. you're probably tired of hearing this, and of reading this, and I sympathize, I would be too.. I would have stopped listening along time ago... I would have "accidentally" not logged into MSN or AIM... but then.. I already know I wouldn't make a good master... I'm too impatient. I'm sorry Rahani.. I don't know how else to say those things... fuck.. I don't even know how to convince myself not to walk away.. I'm at that point emotionally.. where I make stupid brash decisions on the spur of the moment, because my emotions take over... my desire to care.. and control them is lost in the pits of despair and anguish.

*throws his arms up* fuck I don't know... I just don't fucking know... I don't feel like a pet.. I don't feel like shit right now.. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.. how I'm doing.. I still don't know what to expect.. where to go next.. or anything!

*turns around and walks away, cranking 'Hurt' and looking for something sharp*

This is going to be harsh.. I'm sorry...

A song.. sums it up quite well...

"I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you�re never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say you�re too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
You�re never there
You�re never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candle�s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candle�s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why can�t you just show me
We�re always on this roller coaster
If you want me why can�t you get closer?

Never there
You�re never there
You�re never ever ever ever there"

You say you love me.. you say you're always going to be there...

I just want to spend time with you.. to talk to you... but you know what? I'm not "feeling" it... I'm sorry.. that's just how it is...

I don't know how else to say it... I guess you enjoy spending your time with Inari... if that's how it is.. he can go to hell, and you can go to hell too... this is destroying me... it's not what you want to hear I'm sure.. and I'm sure you're going to be disappointed... In fact, I'm sure you're probably going to be quite angry.. and I don't blame you.. I am myself right now

BUT I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE! I need your attention... if you don't want to give it.. just let me know.. let me know and save me the pain and heartache now. It seems like you never really want to talk to me on the phone.. that night aside.. I hear your voice for a few minutes.. and then you go off to do something else... I see you online for a few minutes.. and you're always distracted.. always doing something else... i always end up wanting to curl up and cry... right now I just want to tear my hair out... to jump out my window.. that would be nice.. not far enough to kill me.. but enough so the glass shatters lacerating my skin, and I'm sure the fall would break a bone or two... so the physical pain is atleast more than the emotional, so I can atleast forget about it for a time...

FUCK! I don't want to post this... is this me? goddamn... I sure as hell don't want to wait around and hear the response...

I wrote it.. as I was thinking and feeling.. feeling more anger and hatred right now than anything else but feeling none the less.. and you should atleast be entitled to see it, I am still your pet...

I'm not asking for much.. I'm not asking for complete undivided attention all the time.. I'm just asking for some.. to be the center of your attention every once in awhile... To get your focused attention everyonce in awhile... I'm not going to compete with Inari... if you want that.. if you want me to struggle and fight against him for your attention, I'm not going to do it... I gave myself to you willingly, and right now... it seems to me like you feel it's trivial... like it's expected and inconsequential... If that's all it is... please tell me...

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