2005-06-05 - 11:00 p.m.
I just finished a 3-way conversation with those involved, my beloved Rahani, and Inari.
I'm not quite sure what to say. I certainly feel better about things, it was incredibly comforting to be able to talk to both, and not in words, but in voices.
I am more relaxed about things, and about how I feel.
I am not upset at Inari like I used to be. I don't blame him, nor am I as Jealous as I used to be. It still hurts in a sense, knowing he can take her away from me. It is in a sense comforting knowing he would not do so, unless he deemed it necessary. That he would not take her away from me, simply as a punishment.
It's going to take time I know, for me to work through this, to come to terms and accept all of this. There's so much that's new, and so much I still don't understand, and don't know how to deal with. I know.. at times it's going to take reassurance from not just Rahani, but Inari as well. It is still... disconcerting... and something I think I will still struggle with for a time... that sometimes she is not the one in control. I am going to have to learn to trust Inari as well, because sometimes he's going to be the one in control. Trust that what he's doing needs to be done, and trust that he has my interests and feelings in mind when he does things that might take her away from me.
I... am not sure what to say... or honestly where to begin from here, or go next.. I guess the most I can simply do, is take things as they come next, and try to work with them, and incorporate them.
I realize to a large degree I am still very insecure about this, and about how things work with me, and with everyone else. I can only hope both of them understand, and can empathize, and help me, as I journey to gain confidence in a new area of my life, and under a new role.
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