2005-06-12 - 5:31 p.m.
I've spent the day thinking... and this is what I'm realizing...
I do expect alot... and I'll tell you why... I wear her collar. It's around my neck 24/7. I don't even remove it shower, or for class anymore!
I've got a little pink band around my neck where the dye has bled because the collar has gotten wet. I've been bugged and teased about it in class, and I haven't removed it, haven't even thought about it. I even had a friend ask how I could lower myself to this. How disgraceful it is to be someone's pet to be in their service.
I ask alot, because I give alot, I have given myself completely. Not just on the weekends, or everyonce in awhile. I don't wake up every few days being her pet. I'm always her pet, when I am awake, and when I'm sleeping.
Even when she's not on to hear it, and when I can't be there to show it, I think about her, and still do my best to try and serve her. I need to feel... I don't want to say that it's been one-sided because it hasn't been. Has it felt that way? not quite, I know I get to talk with her, and she spends some time with me. But what I need is not necessarily time at all... to be honest if I spent every waking hour with her, but always talking as we do now, and as things are now, that wouldn't work.
I'm not asking for more time, I am happy with getting what time I do, I am busy myself afterall. I just need to feel that she *is* Rahani. I need to feel that feeling of being owned. Why does Inari frustrate and threaten me? Because I'm afriad I'm going to lose her as Rahani, and all that will be left is Nanashi. Why do I get upset that she spends time with him. Because I want to see Rahani, not Nanashi. Selfish I know... *shrugs* but... yeah well just selfish.
So treat me like your pet in the time we get to spend together. Remind me that I'm owned. Remind me that the collar I wear belongs to YOU, and that I had to earn it. Show me that you are Rahani, and that the emotion I put into serving you every day, serves you, and you see it, and you enjoy the power it gives you. Flaunt your power over me, I gave it to you to flaunt, and use. Use me, I am yours, I belong to you, remind me, just don't leave me sitting here feeling neglected. Yeah... basically. I mean... what good is power... if you can't use it?
"Power without purpose, is spiritually useless and therefore of no real consequence" Old quote from game. It was said to us, as we earned power, by those who possessed once more, to remind us of the perspective of power, and what it gives you, and what it can do to you.
Make sense to you? I feel lonely not because I don't feel you're not spending enough time with me, but because the person I am spending time with doesn't seem like Rahani. before I came to visit and when I was there, you were... You have power over me, you knew it, and used it. you used me. *shrugs* that's what I need Rahani. I'm sure you can be creative with that, I give you leeway, when we talk in the mornings, when I have to leave for class, leave me with an order, something creative something strange. Just something to remind me that you own and control me. I hope that makes sense... besides.. I hope you'll have fun, and enjoy coming up with some creative things for me to do, or perhaps not do that day.
Next problem. The recurring Inari issue.
It's a recurring problem, it's been a problem perhaps since the beginning... Yes.. since the beginning, when I was very upset after learning you were going to be Inari's pet. Since I broke down, before I was going to leave, and since last friday. Its the same recurring issue. Multiple attempts have been made by you to resolve this issue. And at this point... I can't ask you to do anymore. At this point, yes this problem is on me. I'm going to have to fix it on my own, and I admit, I haven't been taking the steps necessary. I think somewhere.. I was hoping, that it would just disappear, or that he would disappear which is not going to happen. More than likely the latter.
As stated in my previous journal, I just need to get this stupid notion out of my head... or atleast ignore it long enough to get myself to start spending time with him again, and talking again. Once I can do that.. I'm sure I'll be more comfortable with him again, and hopefully the issue will more or less unravel, and resolve itself. Perhaps that's the just wishful thinking, but I think honestly, alot of it, is just the lack of communication between himself and I.
So there it is.. my conclusions based on my thoughts.
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