2005-06-12 - 11:58 a.m.
It's a somber day today... quiet... contemplative
I spoke with Rahani for a long time last night. I don't quite know where to begin. It's actually very depressing... I guess I just have the wrong mindset or outlook on this.
Rahani will at time not be able to be around... there will be times when she doesn't feel well, and is not healthy, and there is nothing that can be done to change that. Those times, I will not be able to see her. I've been told that a few times. I guess maybe I just don't want to believe it.
I remember before I left to go visit, what things were like. I felt very owned then, I felt very much that she was in control... lately, despite having a collar, I don't feel that as much anymore. I guess that's kinda what it boils down to... maybe...
Alot of this, alot of these emotions are hard to narrow down and pinpoint. They're so intense and so quick, and they flutter through various emotions so quickly, it's hard to understand one before the next it bearing down upon me.
I'm obviously still having problems with Inari, I feel threatened by him I think. I'm pretty sure I narrowed that one down last night. I feel threatened, like he threatens to take her away. She says it won't happen, and... I don't know why I can't trust her when she says that, I trust her with so much already. It's very confusing. He says it too, but I suppose I can understand not trusting him, it's difficult to trust someone you see as threatening. Thats something that I guess... I'm just going to have to find a way to get over... or it's going to tear me and us apart. I don't quite know how though. I can't just decide that I'm changing and it happens.
I ask for too much... I guess thats what it boils down to.. and because of distance, what I ask for is not possible. And coupled with her state of health. It's just not something she can give. Not to mention, that I'm not the only one she needs to give attention to.
How much do I really want? I guess I should try to understand that. I know I have things that keep me busy. Do I want attention every day? I'd certainly like it... but I could manage to with less, if I knew... somehow... *shrugs* If I still felt as though she was in control, and I was owned, which I have not been feeling as of late. I see a great dichotomy between the past two weeks, and the time before I left.
Though in a sense, I am still having the same emotional problems that keep reoccuring. What exactly is that issue?
I'm afraid of Inari and threatened by him. She mentioned when I get upset and write diary entries I always mention him, but never Caleb, Kadin, or Nreshan. It's always him, he for some reason threatens me maybe. Is it him threatening me? *shrugs* I don't know... There is a strange and different dynamic between Inari, her and myself. I just really get insecure with Inari in the picture... Kadin, Caleb, or Nreshan don't make me insecure.
you know somewhere.. I wish things could just have worked. *shrugs* nothing is perfect I guess... such a shame.
So back to topic. I've spoken with Inari on the phone.. maybe.. the best thing for me to do, is start speaking with him, without her prodding.. maybe call him, or talk to him online, on my own. I know he still thinks of me as a friend... maybe.. I'm really just being an asshole.
So boil this down. No problems with Kadin, Caleb, or Nreshan. insecure with Inari. Wanting her time, and wanting to feel owned. and... wanting too much.
I really need to find other things to do.. a hobby, even if it leaves me making things for her... atleast I'll be able to do something else with my time, than sit here and hope she comes to visit. I've also been advised to look for others, and maybe try to find a guide or someone else to talk to outside of the relationship. Definately a good idea I think.
So conclusions?
1. Other things to do
2. Other people to talk to, broaden my circle, make new friends.
3. be nicer to Inari, and actually try talking to him on my own for a change
4. *needs to be owned* I don't know what I can do about that one... I guess that ones her... I don't know... Do I want to just accept that how things are now.. is how they're going to be? I get alot of her time. I guess sometimes I don't always see it. just... mental blocks or paranoia or something. she says I need to earn that focused time... but I don't know how... this trial and error is frustrating me.. I don't do trial and error well, I ask for help. So I guess I'll ask her for help.
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